Moving by myself is no joke. My dad insisted that I call/text/email daily until he's satisfied that I'm settled. I suspect that he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I don't always look forward to those calls, but talking to someone in my family daily is going a long way toward keeping me grounded.
“Just the woman I was looking for...”
That’s what a coworker said to me as I was walking down the hall the other day. What startled me was that he, the same age as me, called me a “woman”. Yeah, I know that I’m female, but I’m also guilty of usually referring to myself and my friends as “girls”.
I guess it’s time for me to own my grown.
I have a full time job, my own apartment, pay my own bills. (Cue Webbie...) I even have a couple credit cards and am indentured to Sallie Mae. But I don’t often think of myself as being a grown ass woman.
I’m not married, I don’t have kids. To me, those were always the key things that I associated with adulthood. So you can get married before you can buy alcohol, or you can have a kid before you graduate high school. Those things were always a big deal because you weren’t considered fully grown.
In all honesty, my life right now feels an awful lot like being a teenager with disposable income. I don’t really have any major responsibilities outside of showing up for work (relatively close to) on time and paying the rent by the first of each month. So now, at 28, how do I define adulthood?
I’ve been thinking about reinvention a lot lately. Maybe it’s the reflection that comes with the new year. Maybe it’s because I know that I’m going to be starting a new job in a new city soon. Either way, the opportunity to “reinvent” myself is rapidly approaching.
I’m not sure if it’s an opportunity that I even want o take. I’m damn near 30 years old. At this point, I’m basically the person that I’m going to be. Plus, I like myself. I know that I’m not perfect. What I do know is that I’m funny (usually when I’m not trying to be), a good friend, and a pretty decent coworker.
The more that I think about it, the more convinced I am that reinvention is something that you have to find completely and totally necessary for it to work. I mean..you’d have to be extremely dedicated to this transformation.That’s something that I just can’t fathom. How do you completely change the essence of who you are? How do you change the way that you think/act/speak? And most importantly, why would you want to?
I'm not much of one for new year's resolutions. I mean...why wait for Jan 1 to decide to make changes? This year is a little different...I spent the last week or so of 2011 reflecting. And I decided to make one resolution:
I resolve to care less about what other people think and be true to myself in whatever it is I do.
And I do have a couple goals for 2012. It feels appropriate....new year, new job, new city, new goals.
- Date more. No long distance crap. And above all, have fun.
- Visit every Smithsonian museum I haven't already been to
- Become a regular at a restaurant in my new neigborhood (I have a long standing habit of making friends with chefs, bartenders, and bounces. Something I plan on continuing indefinitely)
- Read at least one non-fiction book each month
- Register and run a sub-30 minute 5k by June
- Acquire at least three new passport stamps
- Complete all 60 days of Insanity (in a row)
- Don't gossip. And don't judge people by gossip/hearsay/rumors
I'm in my late 20's. It's only natural that I have an ex or two at this point, right? But there are ex's and then there's THE EX. The ex's are those guys that you dated for however long, grew apart, broke up and moved on.
But THE EX is the one that you actually planned to take to your family. The one that you considered marrying and even, just maybe having his babies. Never mind that before him you never considered yourself the marrying type and definitely never considered having kids. But there was something about him that made you re-think everything that you ever planned for your life. Like everything.
But then it ended. The why isn't really important. The end is the important part. Because when you're ready to change EVERYTHING about your life for one person, and then one day that person is gone, you realize that you can't ever go back to being the person that you were before.
So you cry a little. Or a lot. Yeah...you cry buckets. There is wine. Lots of wine. Comfort foods. Talk after talk after talk with your friends about the end. And then one day, you wake up, and you realize that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. You don't cry over things that remind you of THE EX. You smell his fave cologne, and you're still standing. See a picture of the two of you smiling, and you're still ok. But all those reminders, you don't seek them out. In fact, you make it a point to avoid them.
No sense in causing yourself unneccessary pain, right? I mean, you stub your toe and it hurts...not the same as a break, but you're more careful going around that corner where you usually stub your toe. Same thing with reminders of him.
So, then, you've got a plan. You move on with your life. Date a few other people. But then for whatever reason, you realize that you have to come face to face with THE EX. And even though some time has passed, you're not ready for that.
So, then what....? How do you deal when avoidance is no longer an option?