things i've learned

it's been nothing short of an interesting couple of weeks. i've made some new friends, including one who likes to party and lives here! (all the married people were making me feel like i'm behind the learning curve)

i also realized that there are days when i feel like my life could be so different, but then again, i'm happy, so why complain?

cliche, but true: the grass is not always greener on the other side.

i thought about this early this morning: a friend is the one who listens to your problems, offers a shoulder to cry on, doesn't judge you, tells you the truth when you need to hear it, and is smart enough to know that now isn't always the right time for the truth.

sometimes asking someone "are you ok?" and then actually listening is the best you can do.

i'll always have plenty of wrong answers and not enough of the right ones.

shift work kinda sucks, but you do what you gotta do.

sometimes being deployed is easier than being home because when you're deployed you only have to deal with the reality right in front of you.

you're not always prepared for the sacrifices you have to make, but you deal with it.

i'm glad i have friends who understand my job, because they know how heavy it gets.

an open letter to all the ex's - 2006

November 10, 2006

RE: An open letter to all the ex's

I've got some things that I need to get off my chest. It involves all my past relationships…of various types.

First off, an apology. I'm sorry if I ever caused you unnecessary pain because I lied about something. At the time, for whatever reason, I felt like it was what I needed to do. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn't. Either way, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. I've learned the hard way that karma is a bitch.

I'm also sorry that I couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. I'm more sorry that you couldn't or wouldn't love me the way that I wanted…needed…to be loved. I know that it's not easy to be with me. But this is me. I can't really change me, nor do I want to. If you can't understand that, then you're not the man that I need in my life, so it's best that we've gone our separate ways.

R—I know that you would do anything for me. Quite truthfully, that scares the hell out of me. I know that I could ask and you would just give and give and give and allow me to take and take and take. That's wrong in so many ways, I don't know where to start. Basically, in my mind, a healthy relationship is about balance. We both give and we both take. It might not always be equal, but it would be fair. You and I could never have that together. I know this in my heart, and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, but you and I—we can't even be friends. Every time you look at me in that way, my heart breaks a little more because I know that I'll never be the type of woman that you need in your life.

D—you're an asshole. Yeah, I've learned to be more honest with myself in recent years, and it helps a lot. I was young and dumb and stupid when I met you. I allowed you to manipulate me in ways that I wasn't even aware of. You lied to me about how many kids you had. I cried and didn't eat for days. But then I decided to forgive you, regardless of how personal that pain was to me. And to make matters worse, I even bought food for your kid. And I bought you an X-box…and I paid for that little trip to New York. Always, you told me that you would pay me back. Of course you never did. The money is the least of it. I should have known what it was all about when I had to lie to my friends to make you look better in their eyes. Maybe their approval shouldn't have meant so much to me, but at the same time, that should have been a huge red flag complete with sirens and flashing lights. The irony of it all is that you and my so-called friends who meant so much to me ended up laughing at how dumb I was behind my back more than a year later, and even had to call me up to laugh some more. That's ok. Thanks for the valuable lessons you taught me. Now I know how not be a fool.

N, D, K, J—I'm not sure that I can really call any of you an ex. (Or that I'd want to.)But that's ok. Even though the sex was so-so, you've served your purpose in my life. Enough said.

B—We had a lot of fun together. And I think of all my relationships, the one that I had with you was the most honest. I know that you're not really an ex of any kind, since we weren't ever a "couple", but I also know that you were there when I needed a friend because of the real ex's, so thanks.

And J—I almost forgot you. That's a good thing, for me, anyway. I really did love you. And I thought that you loved me too…but then you had to go and fuck up a really good thing, just when I thought that we would be ok together. Yeah, there were a LOT of up and downs between us. But there were a lot of good times too. I doubt that I can be friends with you because I still care too much, but I've also decided that I'm ready to let go and move on. I know that you're feeling conflicted about a lot of things in your life these days, but I can't be your sounding board anymore.

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The Pregnancy Pact

For some reason, I really wanted to watch the Lifetime movie “The Pregnancy Pact”. I’d been traveling when it first aired, so I never had the chance to set my DVR to record it. One Saturday night, I didn’t feel like going out (thank you, Old Man Winter!) and “The Pregnancy Pact” was available through On Demand.

The more of the movie I watched, the more irritated I became. While not a parent, teen or otherwise, myself, I went to a high school where more than a few of the girls I graduated with had at least one child. There was a daycare across from the cafeteria. Pregnant girls were in my classes. I didn’t understand it then, and I don’t understand it more as an adult.

My irritation with the movie stems from the fact that the girls were so effing stupid! One of the girls didn’t even know what the word “pact” means. Another girl believed that her boyfriend would stay in their small town forever, marry her, and they and their child would live happily ever after. None of these girls appeared to have any goals past getting pregnant so they could raise their babies together. They hoped to all have girls so their children could be their best friends that they could dress up and paint their nails. Um, did none of them have baby dolls to play with?

I feel like Lifetime had a chance to tell a positive story, and they failed. What did I learn from “The Pregnancy Pact”? Small town people have small minds. Their small minds believed that abstinence only education was the only option. If you don’t give teenagers condoms, they won’t have sex. And pregnancy is the result of peer pressure, not individual choices.

I get that abstinence only education doesn’t work. Sex feels good and teenagers like what feels good. Maybe that really dumbs things down a lot, but it’s true. I agree that anyone who is going to be sexually active needs to know how to protect herself from unintended pregnancy and STIs.

Since “The Pregnancy Pact” was only based on a true story, there was room to take artistic license. Why did they (WARNING – SPOILER) gloss over the story of the reporter who had been pregnant and gave her baby up for adoption? Why did they not explore the story of the girl who didn’t want to be pregnant but was scared to buy condoms?

In the end, I feel like the movie spent too much time treading carefully, and ended up being completely lukewarm. The story that was told wasn’t compelling and the characters not sympathetic. Or does that actually reflect someone’s opinion of teenage moms?

secure your own mask, dammit!

“In the event of an emergency, secure your own mask before assisting other passengers.”

One of my coworkers, L, seems to put taking care of everyone else ahead of herself. L, like me, has a toxic friend (TF) who seems to make everything about her. This friend has two kids, a methhead baby daddy, lives with her parents, and can’t seem to save her paycheck long enough to the grocery store. L has bought food and clothing for the kids, loaned the TF money to cover the electric bill, and provided a sympathetic ear and some unheeded advice to all of the baby daddy drama.

I’d think that the least the TF could do is listen when L is having issues of her own. Yeah, I’m optimistic like that, because you know that never happens. In fact, L found out that she’s got a “situation” that’s going to make it difficult to ever get pregnant. On top of that problem, it’s winter and L can’t seem to stay healthy because she’s always running around.

We were on our break when she was telling me the latest news about TF and TF’s baby daddy, and I found myself telling her, “You know how when you fly you get the safety spiel from the flight attendants to secure your own mask before helping others? Well, it’s time to secure your mask, dammit!”

I felt kind of sad when she asked me, “Well, what should I do then? I’m not used to taking time for myself.”

My suggestions, in no particular order:

• Grab your iPod, turn up your favorite playlist and go work out. (Everyone may not enjoy all types of exercise, but it is a stress reliever.)


• Call your mom, your sister, someone who won’t weigh you down and talk about nothing like we used to do in 7^th grade.


• Have a nice dinner, a glass of wine, and zone out in front of a favorite TV show or good book.


• Take a bubble bath, and let yourself think about absolutely nothing.


• Take a technology time-out. Turn off your cell phone, quit checking email, don’t update your Facebook status and ignore your Twitter feed.


• Sleep. Get a full 7-8 hours of quality rest.

You know something? When L walked into work the next day, she looked completely relaxed and de-stressed. She told me that she took the run; she had a nice quiet technology free dinner with her husband and went to bed early. The best part? She didn’t even feel the tiniest bit guilty about not dealing with the TF for once.

Um, check your Twitter... Hil-fucking-arious!!!!

When your friends tell you to check your Twitter, you realize that sometimes 140 characters just don't provide enough context...case in point, my tweets from last Friday. Oh...and if you're looking at the time stamp on any of these, they're on East Coast time, while I was in Arizona which is a full two hours earlier.

6:45pm: Watching men trying to pack is a guaranteed train wreck. The size of the container doesn't matter as long as you have duct tape & cardboard 8:45 PM Jan 15th from UberTwitter

It was the last day of the exercise, the beer light came on early (yes, that means we were drinking at the end of the work day) but we still had packing to do. We had a total of about 10 laptops that needed to get home with us. At least 5 had been carried as luggage and all the rest and a giant printer were FedEx'ed to us. About 2 beers in, my male coworkers decided that they would rig their own box...which they did one roll of red duct tape and random pieces of cardboard later.

8:51pm: Seriously, if I ever get married my husband is wearing a wedding ring. He's gonna have tan lines to prove if something's missing. 10:51 PM Jan 15th from UberTwitter

I don't think that requires too much explanation...but after the things I've seen over the last couple of weeks, I'm gonna need my (future) husband to wear a wedding ring. When random guys come up to me, I search for the ring first and those tattletale tan lines second. If I spot either, I'm on to the next one. Granted that's not going to help much with those who never wear rings, but it's a start.

10:19pm: Yep I'm drunk. Yep the phone auto lock is on. I did learn one lesson this week 12:19 AM Jan 16th from UberTwitter

In case my BlackBerry went missing or fell into the wrong hands, I didn't want anyone else seeing my text messages and emails. No, I'm not paranoid, it's exactly what happened the weekend before when I did lost my phone. And no, the auto-lock does nothing to stop me from sending drunk texts/tweets/emails...it's about keeping everyone else out of my phone.

12:35am: .........and I'm the only black person in the whole bar......... 2:35 AM Jan 16th from UberTwitter

Sometimes being the token black chick is annoying, especially in a dive bar where the bartender doesn't know you or your drink (malibu&coke lately). People look at you like you're exotic or something. Then I start talking and they realize that even though I'm from Jersey, I'm nothing like those Jersey Shore kids.

1:05am: Who buys generic condoms? Can we please get some Trojans? 3:05 AM Jan 16th from UberTwitter

The first thing I have to say, is "No I was not on Twitter during sex!" What had happened was...one of the guys in the group kept telling us that he was safe and brought out a fistful of condoms. I don't think that you could even pick up these random no-name brand condoms at the nearest clinic. And last I checked, a pack of condoms really doesn't cost that much. And if you're that broke you shouldn't be having sex cheap, Planned Parenthood gives out free Lifestyles and Trojans.

1:49am: i think i might actually be too drunk to pack. dammit! 3:49 AM Jan 16th from web

I stumbled in from the bar and actually thought I could pack. Yea...all that got me was a giant pile of toiletries and clothes in the general area of my suitcase. I just realized that I was in my room attempting to pack before the 2am last call. I think that's pretty impressive.

6:10am: A short nap later, I'm about ready to give up on packing. Don't know how I go all this crap here in the first place 8:10 AM Jan 16th from UberTwitter

I had to sleep off some of the beer, wine, and liquor I'd consumed in the previous 4-8 hours before I could even think about packing. Except when I woke up, I was in the bad place between still drunk and about to be hungover, but I made it back to work with all of my stuff on time at 7am. Which is probably a bigger accomplishment than I can explain right now. But by the time I got back to work for the trip home, the hangover was in full effect leading to:

8:11am: I think I need a health WEEK! 10:11 AM Jan 16th from UberTwitter